The Never-Ending Argument

Do you have that handful of nagging hot button topics in your relationship with your spouse or significant other? I’m guessing you do. The couple of things that when you bring them up in conversation you pretty much know you are going to be in a full-blown argument by the time you’re done “talking” about it. I have good news for you, every relationship has these hot button topics. As a matter of fact, research has found that nearly 70% of relational conflict is never resolved. It is a wonder any relationships last with that high of a number. There are three things to consider if you have these ongoing disagreements in your relationship. First, it is important to remember that the argument is really much deeper than the actual topic being argued about. For example, many couples argue about money. The argument is not really over the amount of money being saved, spent, invested, etc. it is much deeper than that. It comes down to the core beliefs each person in the relationship has about money. The farther apart each is from the others belief, the deeper the conflict. If one person in the relationship is a spender and doesn’t mind debt and the other is a saver and doesn’t want debt, this is a huge difference in belief patterns and will be an ongoing issue in that relationship. The saver will not suddenly change and be okay with spending and vis versa. The second thing to understand is that you will never get your significant other to change his/her core beliefs or core values. If you catch yourself saying, “If only he…or If only she”, you are expecting that other person to change something that is firmly set in his/her personality, and you stay in constant disappointment. So, how do you make it work? Everyone would like a silver bullet answer to this question. However, the fact of the matter is, everyone is different, has different personalities and came from different family dynamics which have created his/her set of beliefs. When it comes to core values, people do not waver from them much. The key to “making it work,” is about compromise, plain and simple. You must ask yourself whether you can compromise your core value enough to compensate for the opposite core value of your significant other. If you conclude that yes, you can compromise then you must determine to what extent you are willing to compromise and have that conversation with your significant other. If you bring a compromise to the table, ask your significant other to bring a compromise into the situation to meet in the middle. It is about give and take. Of course, there are so many other layers to all this, and it sounds easier said than done, however, it can be done. If you feel stuck in never-ending gridlock on certain topics it could be beneficial to seek guidance from a qualified neutral third party, such as a coach or counselor.  One thing is certain, humans were created for relationship but where there is relationship there will be conflict. When that conflict is approached with respect and willingness to compromise, it can create stronger bonds and a deeper expression of acceptance and understanding with your significant other.